I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
