i jhust puked up my retainher.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
