Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
