she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I have tasted many bathrooms
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
