The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
