Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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