What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
