I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
