im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
