I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
