i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
