The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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