dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
