I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
