Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
