omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
