bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
