When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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