I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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