the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
