Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
