By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
