Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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