You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
