I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
