Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
