I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
