Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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