Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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