that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
