u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
