Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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