I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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