I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
