Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
