I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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