You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
