Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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