So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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