I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dear god my vagina.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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