I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
