cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
