I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
