he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
