Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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