I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
