my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
