eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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