why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm getting married
To pizza
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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