she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
